Dear Sahadeva,
I am up can not sleep.
I went to your website as I often do. To read up and catch up on the marvelous son Sahadeva making it big in NYC. Funny that we all think that if we go to SF we will find ourselves and if we go to NYC we will “make it big”
I have recently been landing from about three years of buzzing around in circles..
Hard to describe but hopefully you will not have to go there..
I am working on this afterschool program for children teens and the adult community to build a mentoring program for Willits and the Arts. It is promising and a lot of work and very little money.
But the kids are so wonderful
I read the little blurb you wrote about your dad and Sawyers Bar…
You did have quite a upbringing didn’t you. Then there was me… living out in the middle of the high desert with no food no money, no friends and you and your brothers and the donkeys....
I have some great memories of you three older boys playing and laughing together. A lot of me crying and wondering where the hell your dad was and if I was gonna be able to feed you the next day… and mostly just the fact that when all else fails the earth will find a way to make it all work…
I can not put words to this.. But in all the crazyness and alone ness and abandonment and mystery that your wonderful and loving one and only self.
When we stop crying and we stop heaving and throwing things around and wondering what caused what and who is to blame.. there is the earth still spinning still making rain and snow and ice and fire and grass and all the stuff to make the world continue to go around. But when you think about the sarrow we hold deep inside ourselves wondering if there is love and if someone does know the definition of care.. It boils down to .....
do we really care enough for ourselves...’moms dads sisters brothers. girlfriends boyfriends.. not one bit of any of this list means shit if we have not found the road home to OUR OWN HEART and OUR OWN HOME >> WE create for love to start from.
I never really knew if your dad LOVED me but I did know he loved life.. this is true.
Maybe this is the secret .. to stop bugging the crap out of people in asking or contemplating the quality of love they hold for others ... but more so for the life they have themselves.I left your dad because he was never never never home. I really remember sitting in the bath tub. He came home from a fire up north. We were in Badger.,,
I said ... Nitai. I love you.. I really do. But I figure if your never here why are we even together. You never see your kids but for a few days.. and all they do is cry for you. They feel like I am a warden in a prison and I feel like I am alone in the world.
so why not take the boys and we can stay friends???
He did not flinch. He did not think about it.. He just said okay..
We really did try to make it work..
We tried for years to make it work
The funny thing is /It really started to work when we split up and just let each other be what ever it was we needed at the time....
Now I am nearly 5o.
I have spent most of my life taking care of children and other peoples children not to mention you five boys… all 5 of you are my absolute treasure.
I mean this…
I wish I was more literate and had more money and more to offer you as a mother..
All I do have I my love. pride and admiration for you as a wonderful and loving human being..
I love you Sahadeva.
Your a dear dear man with a mind that is full of all the dreams men should be made of…
Please stay in touch
Summer in Crown Heights. Kodak 200 film.
06 Aug 2008 | 1 Comments
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Dear Sahadeva,
I am up can not sleep.
I went to your website as I often do. To read up and catch up on the marvelous son Sahadeva making it big in NYC. Funny that we all think that if we go to SF we will find ourselves and if we go to NYC we will “make it big”
I have recently been landing from about three years of buzzing around in circles..
Hard to describe but hopefully you will not have to go there..
I am working on this afterschool program for children teens and the adult community to build a mentoring program for Willits and the Arts. It is promising and a lot of work and very little money.
But the kids are so wonderful
I read the little blurb you wrote about your dad and Sawyers Bar…
You did have quite a upbringing didn’t you. Then there was me… living out in the middle of the high desert with no food no money, no friends and you and your brothers and the donkeys....
I have some great memories of you three older boys playing and laughing together. A lot of me crying and wondering where the hell your dad was and if I was gonna be able to feed you the next day… and mostly just the fact that when all else fails the earth will find a way to make it all work…
I can not put words to this.. But in all the crazyness and alone ness and abandonment and mystery that your wonderful and loving one and only self.
When we stop crying and we stop heaving and throwing things around and wondering what caused what and who is to blame.. there is the earth still spinning still making rain and snow and ice and fire and grass and all the stuff to make the world continue to go around. But when you think about the sarrow we hold deep inside ourselves wondering if there is love and if someone does know the definition of care.. It boils down to .....
do we really care enough for ourselves...’moms dads sisters brothers. girlfriends boyfriends.. not one bit of any of this list means shit if we have not found the road home to OUR OWN HEART and OUR OWN HOME >> WE create for love to start from.
I never really knew if your dad LOVED me but I did know he loved life.. this is true.
Maybe this is the secret .. to stop bugging the crap out of people in asking or contemplating the quality of love they hold for others ... but more so for the life they have themselves.I left your dad because he was never never never home. I really remember sitting in the bath tub. He came home from a fire up north. We were in Badger.,,
I said ... Nitai. I love you.. I really do. But I figure if your never here why are we even together. You never see your kids but for a few days.. and all they do is cry for you. They feel like I am a warden in a prison and I feel like I am alone in the world.
so why not take the boys and we can stay friends???
He did not flinch. He did not think about it.. He just said okay..
We really did try to make it work..
We tried for years to make it work
The funny thing is /It really started to work when we split up and just let each other be what ever it was we needed at the time....
Now I am nearly 5o.
I have spent most of my life taking care of children and other peoples children not to mention you five boys… all 5 of you are my absolute treasure.
I mean this…
I wish I was more literate and had more money and more to offer you as a mother..
All I do have I my love. pride and admiration for you as a wonderful and loving human being..
I love you Sahadeva.
Your a dear dear man with a mind that is full of all the dreams men should be made of…
Please stay in touch
Much love
mataji
707 354-2475
Mataji
10/13
SAHA